Decatur is a medium-sized city in Central Illinois. The city is unique in that it is composed entirely of soybeans held together by a sticky adhesive made of sadness and dried Krekel's soft-serve.
The city of Decatur was founded in the 1800's by the Chicago Bears, who at the time were coached by the legendary Abraham Lincoln. Always the savvy businessman, Lincoln elected to exchange the team for tickets to a showing of "My American Cousin" in Washington, DC, and we all know what happened with that.
The city's auspicious beginnings attracted a number of aspiring industrialists spanning a number of industries, including hog rendering, dirt recycling, garbage producing, and pollution. Many of these industries can still be seen today, though the long ago laid off most of their employees.
The city is home to a few famous inventions, such as the flyswatter, the automobile turn signal, and Dr. Dustin Ellison's Fabulous Rectal Plunger (patent pending).
The air often has a curious smell about it and can differ from day to day, often so much so that residents have been known to refer to days of the week by smell:
Monday: Burnt Cheez-Its
Tuesday: Soggy French Fries
Wednesday: Unholy Ass-crack of Satan
Thursday: Toasted Cat Litter
Friday: Recently Deceased Hobo Coated in Vaseline
The city is ruled by a small, exclusive club of wealthy men who are engaged in a large-scale game of Monopoly, with each one attempting to construct a "Speed Lube" or "Cash Loans" establishment on every street corner. They delight in sporadically bulldozing entire blocks of downtown to construct "parks," and relentlessly lobby for airline service to our airport (last month's passenger traffic: Three people, one ear of corn).
The dominating geographic feature of Decatur is the large depression located east of Nelson Park (also in the minds of Decatur's inhabitants) that serves as a collecting pond for the liquid excretions of the populace. Termed "Lake Decatur", this muddy soup is rumored to contain fish, but mostly consists of dead bodies in 1973 Buick Lesabres, still clutching their buckets of KFC.
Notable activities in Decatur include being poor, crime, sleeping, and defecating in public places. Visitors to Decatur are advised that "We Like it Here," and that "You Should Definitely Take your Hubcaps with You when You Park, or Possibly Stop at Any Point."
Decatur: We live here.
Prices shown in USD.
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